“Don’t You Know What Causes That?”

As a mother of four, I’ve heard it all.

When I was pregnant with my fourth child, one comment came up again and again:

“Don’t you know what causes that?”

Most people were joking, and honestly, I usually laughed.

My typical response was, “Yes, and I enjoy it.”

But the comment always made me think about something bigger.

Why are we so comfortable commenting on other people’s family size?

Pregnancy seems to invite opinions from everyone. Suddenly people want to know if the baby was planned, if you’re having more children after this one, whether your children are spaced too close together or too far apart, or if you’re “finally done.”

It’s interesting because no matter what a family chooses, someone usually has an opinion about it.

If you’re pregnant with your first baby, people ask when you’ll have another.

If you’re pregnant with your third or fourth, people ask if you’ve figured out what causes it yet.

If your children are close in age, people wonder why you didn’t wait.

If there’s a larger gap between your children, people wonder why you waited so long.

No matter the situation, someone often feels the need to weigh in.

The truth is that family size is deeply personal.

Some families dream of having one child.

Others dream of a large family gathered around the dinner table.

Some spend years trying to conceive.

Some experience heartbreaking losses.

Some carefully plan every pregnancy.

Some are surprised by a positive pregnancy test.

And many are simply grateful for the children they have.

As a doula, I’ve learned that every family’s journey looks different.

The mother expecting her fourth baby may have spent years struggling with infertility before having her first.

The parent with one child may desperately want another but be facing challenges nobody can see.

The family with a large age gap between children may have a story that took years to unfold.

The truth is, we rarely know the whole story.

What we do know is that every family deserves respect.

One of the beautiful things about becoming a parent is realizing there is no single “right” way to build a family.

Some families feel complete with one child.

Others feel complete with six.

Some adopt.

Some foster.

Some blend families together.

Some become parents later in life.

Every path is unique, and every path is worthy of celebration.

Instead of asking whether a pregnancy was planned, whether someone is done having children, or whether they’ve figured out what causes babies, perhaps we can choose a different response.

“Congratulations.”

“How are you feeling?”

“I’m excited for you.”

Those simple words can mean more than we realize.

Pregnancy is a season of enormous change, anticipation, and hope. Most parents aren’t looking for opinions about their family size. They’re looking for support, encouragement, and connection.

As for me, I still smile when I think about those comments during my fourth pregnancy.

Not because they bothered me, but because they reminded me how fascinated people are by choices that ultimately belong to someone else.

At the end of the day, the size of a family isn’t something that needs to be explained, defended, or justified.

It’s simply a personal decision made by the people living it.

And that’s exactly where it belongs.

Julia Powers

Nurture & Connect Doula Services, LLC

Certified Postpartum Doula, Birth Doula, CLS, CPST & Certified Community Health Worker

517-749-1027